Saw 3D Review

The Rough Cut

Written by Kevin Terpstra

Saw 3D is a film associated with great pain, both to the characters and the audience. After subjecting myself to an hour and a half of torture, mostly to myself, I left the theater feeling overwhelmingly let down.

Since Saw II fans have been asking one question: "What happened to Dr. Gordon?" Well, my fellows, you can rest easy because the gods of Saw have answered your prayers. . .but, they're not telling you anything you haven't already figured out. Just look at one of the many theories (they're all the same) on a horror discussion blog or YouTube channel and you have your twist ending. . .which makes it not a twist ending at all.

With that said, I can now tell you how unnecessary a seventh film was (I can hear screams asking why any past the first were necessary). First, a little back story. After the surprising success of the first, saga creators Leigh Wannel and James Wan signed on with Lionsgate for a six-picture deal. This is how the second through seventh installments came to be.

My guess is that after making the sixth film they turned to each other and said, "S**t, we don't have enough material for a seventh movie!" You see, as with the other installments, Saw 3D revolves around one big trap starring a liar, his posse and his innocent wife.

Former Jigsaw survivor Bobby Dagen has made fame and fortune on his story of survival. The thing is, he was never subjected to a Jigsaw test. He merely wrote the book for the money and, well, you get it. Commence capture and trap. This whole part of the film (which is 80% of it) is ridiculous and just right out. I don't want to talk about it anymore because it's simply 40 minutes of cheesy dialogue and 20 minutes of torture porn madness.

The actual story brings us to Det. Hoffman, now disfigured from his narrow escape of the Bear Trap set on him by Jigsaw's widow in the previous installment. He's angry, we get it. In addition, he is now being pursued by an I.A. agent named Gibson and acted by, well, someone who isn't going places in this industry. On a side note, there just seems to be an infinite number of law enforcement personalities in this series, and they are all horrendously dumb. Seriously, you could strangle these cops with a cordless phone.

Before I digress further, let me touch on the technical aspects of the (allegedly) final installment. Well, director Kevin Greutert has toned down the quick edits when a victim is in imminent danger of dying. In fact, it happens once, at the ending when, well, I'll let you see for yourself if you so choose to subject yourself to 90 minutes of low-form gorno.

Friends and fellow movie-goers, I can't contain my disgust much longer. So, with that said, here is my raw, unadulterated opinion of Saw 3D: There is not a single redeeming quality to this movie. Even saga figurehead Tobin Bell (Jigsaw) is largely absent from the movie, and let's face it, he was the only reason to stick it out until the end. This movie completely disgraces the art of film making. If you took the trap from Saw VI, changed the actors, switched who died in the end, and ended with the twist that fans have predicted since Saw II, you would end up with Saw 3D.

Before I give a final rating, let me apologize to you, friends and fellow movie enthusiasts. I apologize to you if you decide to see this movie, for you will end up with the same pain I have been experiencing since leaving the theater.

I've never done this, but I've been left with no choice.

Based on a five star scale I am not awarding Saw 3D any stars.

Saw 3D - 0/5 stars

Official Rough Cut Review

Jackass 3-D Review

The Rough Cut

Written by Kevin Terpstra

Review of Jackass 3-D

I find myself caught between a rock and a hard place. How am I to classify Jackass 3-D? Yes, it’s a documentary of sorts, but only in the fact that what you see isn’t a fictional retelling of true events (though, most documentaries are guilty of just that). But, after determining its validity as a documentary, I’m left speechless.

On what basis do I judge this film? Cinematography? It’s all right. Plot? Well, the stunts don't have the same charm, if that's an appropriate word, as the first two. Characters? Yep, they’re still moronic. I find myself wanting to tackle these aspects in depth, but I don’t know where to start.

That is why I am going to do what I always do in a situation I’m unfamiliar with: I’m going to dive right in and hope I make it out alive.

Jackass 3-D is like coming home from school to find your older brother waiting for you on the front steps. You’re excited, but only because you’re not at school anymore. Once alone in the house with big bro, well, then you’re not as excited.

You see, your older brother is Johnny Knoxville and today he’s invited over his best friends Bam Margera and Steve-O. Somewhere throughout the day Wee Man, Ryan Dunn, Preston Lacey, Danger Ehren and Dave England arrive to partake in the, well, “fun.”

From the moment you arrive you are barraged with puke, excrement and dildos. Yup. Dildos. The only thing to make it more excruciatingly hard to bear is the whole 3-D thing. There is a point in the film when Knoxville fires a cannon at the screen. A blurred, unidentifiable object begins its long trek toward the screen, and subsequently, the audience.

Upon its focus, the object is revealed to be a dildo flying right at your head. That’s exactly what I paid $10 for. But, I can’t complain too much as it is the third Jackass film and we should all know better by now.

Ironically, the term 3-D is in the film’s title and yet this rocket dildo is only one of three scenes to make use of the 3-D technology. Other scenes of note include various “Rocky” sketches in which Margera throws water in an unsuspecting cast member’s face and punches them from the opposite side, all in slow motion.

I’ll admit, this movie made me laugh. The laughter was far and few between, but I laughed, nonetheless. And with that I must say that Jackass 3-D fails to live up to the Jackass legacy. It’s much more disgusting than the previous two films, but that’s pretty much it.

And with that, the day is done and you never want to hang out with your brother and his friends again. The End.

Based on a five star scale, I am awarding Jackass 3-D two-and-a-half stars out of five.

Jackass 3-D – 2.5/5 stars

Official Rough Cut review